On our way to school, my younger daughter and I stopped at the credit union to deposit my first pay check from my new job. The credit union was conveniently located and a new job was a convenient time to switch financial institutions.
I put my bank ATM card in and the machine would not accept it. I pulled it out, pushed it back in and double checked that it was rotated correctly. Eventually, the ATM grabbed the card and asked for my PIN. I gave it and the ATM said, "Incorrect PIN." I tried a different number. It didn't work. Another different number didn't work. Finally in desperation, I tried my bank PIN. It worked. That was odd. I was pretty sure that the credit union didn't use as many digits as the bank allowed for PINs, but clearly my memory was faulty. Next the ATM wouldn't allow me to deposit. I chose "balance inquiry" thinking that maybe it would give me a "more options" screen eventually. It gave me my balance (which was wrong) but never allowed me to deposit. I gave up and figured that I would be spending a lot of time on the phone with the credit union later that day to sort everything out.
It was then that my daughter pointed out I was using my bank card at the credit union. The balance was correct for my bank account.
I reflected as I drove away that whenever something goes wrong, my immediate instinct is that I have screwed up. I didn't put the card in right. I forgot my PIN. Once I have settled on the fact that I have screwed up, I stop searching for an explanation for what is going on. This is an example of the mental inflexibility that I have been appalled and shocked to recognize in myself recently. I remarked to my daughter, "I immediately think I am so stupid that I forgot my PIN rather than realizing the problem is that I am so stupid I am using the wrong ATM card. I need to be more flexible in labelling my stupidity."
She said that it was not stupid to use the wrong ATM card. That I was switching banks and used the bank card at least ten times more often than I used the credit union card. This stopped me in my tracks.
For me the external world is an often bewildering morass of sensations and inputs that come rushing and screaming at me. I cannot possibly attend to everything I am aware of and I take all kinds of mental short cuts to help make sense out of it. I have learned in life that if something, especially something mechanical, is not working, it is because I am doing something wrong. If there is an explanation for the circumstances that involves "Mary has screwed up yet again" or "Mary doesn't understand the way the world works as usual," my mind sighs in the sweet relief of a world that makes sense and I can continue without having to think very hard.
Not only is that not fair to me, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead of working to solve the problem, I relax into the comfortable world I have lived in for years, assume I’ve screwed up somehow, and stop trying to solve the problem, proving that I screw up and problems don’t get solved.
Assuming something else had gone wrong, casting my problem solving net further and working to solve the problem would allow me to live in a world where that problem was solved, and where I would be propelled forward just a little harder into my next problem because I had solved this last one.
Assuming something else had gone wrong, casting my problem solving net further and working to solve the problem would allow me to live in a world where that problem was solved, and where I would be propelled forward just a little harder into my next problem because I had solved this last one.
I wonder what would happen if I vowed to assume I was minimally competent in the world. What if I defended myself against my own critical judgement? Would this model be more likely to produce good outcomes for me as I make my way in the world? Would I be happier?
A lesson from the ATM this morning. Totally worth the $5 my bank charged me for using my bank card at a credit union ATM.
