Day 243 - labs

The big news for today is that I got labs earlier this week and spoke with Dr. Hill about them. You may recall, I had labs in mid Jan and my platelets were like 30,000 too low. We repeated them a week later and they were like 15,000 too low. We gave it two weeks this time and they were  a little bit better, but *still* not normal. What is their deal? John's best theory is that I probably am fighting off some virus or the other and my marrow is just very sensitive to these things (remember last August? September? where one virus was enough to cause my counts to drop; we did a bone marrow; everything was fine) which is neither good nor bad, unless we are talking about my general stress level. I wish I was the one with the equanimous marrow, but I have bone marrow that pouts if someone in an SUV muscles ahead of it at the toll booth. Perhaps I can get my marrow to start meditating. Anyway, the plan is to recheck the labs again in two weeks.

I didn't really talk about it much here, but I had gotten myself sort of worked up about that set of labs. I'm not usually one to get too worried about things outside my control. Really. I don't see that as conflicting with being a catastrophizer. I don't worry about a lot of things, but when I worry, I do an excellent job of it. It is actually really easy to see right now while I am in the lull between getting worked up because I am about to have labs and getting worked up because I just had labs, that it was actually not all that useful to be so worked up. It felt so clear when I woke in the middle of the night after talking with John: just don't be so worked up; it's really not helpful; next time just remember how much energy and time you wasted thinking about it and how much more fun it would be to think about something else and then you should be able to stop being worried. When I woke the next morning, it didn't seem like such a foolproof plan: just don't do it. OK, then, Nancy Reagan.

In news of the day, I worked another grown up length day today and felt like I did a bunch of good stuff. I still see people every day who are excited to see me just because I'm alive. It's really a nice feeling. I wish I could bottle some of it to distribute back out to the world. I mean, really, every time we see anyone, we're glad they're still alive and didn't get hit by a bus on their way to see us, but I don't have that same feeling. What would it be like if every time I saw someone I thought about how glad I was that they were still alive? I wonder how long I could sustain that in a day before my attention wandered off?

For tomorrow, for myself, I will wish that I can remember how miraculous it is that we are all here all day. For you, I will wish you can feel how happy I am that you are here.