She called me this morning to talk about one of our patients that she had seen earlier. We thought about him and made some changes to his medications. Then as we were saying goodbye, she mentioned that "Ellie and I are getting our pictures taken this weekend." I realized that Ellie must be her daughter and said, "O, my daughter's name is--" and she said, "yes, but yours is Eleanor and mine is Eliana." I realized that we must have had this conversation before and it did not even sound vaguely familiar to me. How could I have lost track of such an important details as her daughter and my daughter have the same name? I then realized she must have told me this when I was sick. If I didn't remember it--like at all--that must mean that I was pretty sick. I said that to her and she confirmed that yep, I had been pretty sick and yep, that's how she knew my daughter's name and yep, we'd had the whole conversation about it. That there were times she was pretty worried about me because I had been so sick. I think I've discussed before that I never had the idea that I was really sick. I mean, obviously, I had leukemia, but sick? Nah.
Now, I know: was I sick? Sometimes. Most of the time, I was pretty well and it wouldn't have made any sense to tell me how sick I was. The rest of the time, I was honestly too sick to care. I wonder what would have happened had someone told me when I was semi-delerious that I was pretty sick. For all I know, some one did because my memory of those days is pretty thin.
|As far as I can tell, here is the last pre-leukemia picture of me. I don't look sick, do I? My ANC was like 200 at the time this was taken.|
When does it end? When will a bruise be just a mark of clumsiness? a text from Lebanon just a hello and a set of labs just an opportunity to see if I've developed the B12 deficiency my family is rife with?
May we all learn the lessons we need from our experiences.