Sunday, July 22, 2012

Day 36

Well, this will teach me to complain about having to explain my leukemia to people. We came home from dinner at about 8 pm and I was so tired I couldn't even stay awake for fireworks at 8:45 so I went to bed. Then they woke me at 8:45 and I fell back asleep before Emily and Emma walked the 5 blocks here from the park. I woke in the middle of the night with this dumb dream that I was driving Ellie somewhere in my car and it would only go in reverse and at 40 miles per hour. The brakes didn't work, it wouldn't slow down or go faster, 40 miles an hour in reverse is all I got. Ellie was in the back seat and said, "this happens to you a lot, doesn't it?" When I woke up I realized it must be a recurring dream. Out of control much? Doing the best you can with a set of resources you are very aware of being limited? Evidently. I think I have had this dream often enough for it to have lost its punch. At some point, the road became one lane, I woke up, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I am starting to feel like one of my older folks whose main social life is going to doctor's appointments. This week I am seeing the gyn on Tuesday in the am (don't ask) and getting another bone marrow on Tuesday in the pm. Then I'll see Dr Hill on Friday afternoon and we'll go over the results of the bone marrow and figure out what the next few courses of treatment will look like. Other than that, I am going to try for the beach Monday am and hope to go hear Patrick's friend read from "When we were the Kennedys" on Tuesday evening at RiverRun. Maybe have some visitors or go visit someone myself on another day and get in some weaving.

I am winding up (hopefully) slowly to a likely five day hospital stay for chemo in early August. I feel a little like I sometimes feel on Sunday night, like if I don't go to bed, Monday morning can't possibly come and then I won't have to go to work. It's never worked for me, but I always feel like it should. So, if I just lolligag around, consolidation chemo won't get here and then I'll be able to always live in this very pleasant state of suspended animation.

Denial is a beautiful thing.

I wish you denial in the ideal measure.

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