Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 184 - more snow

A little bridge over the Exeter River
As I write this, I am actually kind of tired. It was a snow day in Exeter and Ellie had a friend over. They built a snow fort a little ways from our house and I was invited for a tour and then put to work providing the raw materials--snowboulders. I stayed out with them for maybe an hour moving snow around and trudging through the snowy fields. We arrived home later: cold, wet, and very pleased with our handiwork.

A little later, we walked downtown to find out if Emily and I like Orange Leaf frozen yogurt and to demonstrate that Ellie's friend does like it. Ellie doesn't, so we stopped at Stillwell's for her. In general, I really like Stillwell's, but haven't since chemo as it *still* doesn't taste right. Some sweet things taste OK, but most still taste "off" to me. I am not sure how long this will continue, but I'm kind of tired of it. It is a very funny feeling inside when I see some delicious treat and think "I'd like to try that" and then my brain says, "you won't like that. Not for you." The dissonance between part of my brain saying "Yes!" and part saying "You don't really want that." is very weird and unsettling. I will be glad when it's over. To answer the question, I did like Orange Leaf OK, Emily felt similarly.

The new shower head came in the mail today and Terry and I spent an alarming amount of time trying to get it in place without leaking. It is pretty extravagant--two shower heads.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I am happy and excited, but there is a part of me that is inexplicably anxious. I found myself worried about getting there on time (as if anyone cares if I arrive at 8 or 10); worried I won't be able to eat my mid morning snack (again, as if anyone cares if I am eating while we are talking) and worried that there won't be a place for me to work (there are plenty of people who aren't around every day--there will be a computer for me somewhere). I can absolutely recognize these as the sorriest and most bizarre set of worries I've seen in a long time, but there you have it. I am not sure if it is progress that I have moved beyond worrying about if I'll remember any medicine to worrying about minutia which is not even problematic. Clearly these weirdo worries must be stand ins for something, but what? and why not just worry about the real worries?

For me, for tomorrow, I'm hoping for a good first day back: to feel useful, competent, happy. For you, I will wish being happy in your profession or education as well.


  1. Wishing you an amazing first day back! Wish I could be there to welcome you back. You will fit no matter were your sitting, that's just geography. You are the soul of caring! Goog luck will be anxious to hear! Your biggest fan!

  2. Thank you! I will let you know.

  3. Hey...I thought I was your biggest fan. Ok we both think you are tops. You will do fine...keep the faith. Marian

  4. Aw, you guys are too sweet. thanks.