Friday, December 28, 2012

Day 195 - a long work day

Locals will remember the storm of earlier this week where I decided against driving as slush fell from the sky. The downside of that was that today was an eight hour day. It was pretty interesting and fun which is a lot to say about a day largely spent with paperwork. At the end of the day, I went to CMC and signed my documents and visited with some of my pals. I happened to run into one of the same people I saw last week. She told me that I looked less tired today than I had last week. That is funny because wow! I'm tired. The last thing I did was to meet with Lisa, who will be the social worker in the outpatient palliative care clinic. We had a nice time chatting and I think will really enjoy ourselves in the clinic.

The very last thing I did as I was leaving was to watch a man on a gurney go out to an ambulance. It made me think of the times I went by ambulance from Manchester to Lebanon. The second time I was kind of sick, but the first time I was really pretty sick. There is a photo of me that is not quite shocking, but certainly disturbing where I am lying in bed and get cold if I take off my neutropenia mask. When I got to Lebanon, I let them transfer me from the gurney to the bed. I did not insist on doing it myself or even helping. Yikes! I must have been quite a sight. I'm not sure what level of comprehension of my last six months experience I am at. That sounds stupid because of course I understood really well what happened to me in real time as it happened, and I really did understand--I'm a doctor; I had AML and chemo and neutropenic fevers and..., but I didn't totally understand it, like I'm not sure I understand that I was actually kinda sick some of the time. I think about that I understood my technical details really well and am always ready to guide the conversation there.

I've never taken care of a psychotherapist. I wonder if they always try to bring the conversation around to the underlying significance of things. "Yes, an antibiotic would be a good idea, but tell me, what in your childhood has made you so aggressive towards microbes?" A novelist: "An antibiotic would heighten the tension between my immune system and the bacteria. I'm not sure I've fully explored the frustration my immune system is experiencing right now. Can we wait until tomorrow to start it?" There's probably a whole line of silly jokes in there.

For me for tomorrow, I will wish for a restful night of sleep because I need it! For you for tomorrow, I will wish for a restful and relaxing whichever time period you need most.

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